|
 Regarding
SantaCon Date Inquiries:
(snarky message from a now a retired herder)
Seeing as no one seems to want to wait for the people doing the
planning to do so, I would like to help all the whiners to be
at least consistent in their useless spamming of Santa's mailbox.
Here you go:
Dear
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
I
know you take a lot of time in order to get the SantaCon going-
what with contacting the other planners in different cities, spending
cash to arrange cool events to happen, arranging ahead of time
with bars and clubs, getting people's groups coordinated for in
route entertainment, and finally spending the entire twelve hours
relatively sober to herd all you drunken Santas.
However,
[ ] I want to tell you how to run things without helping to do
so
[ ] all I got was a sweater last Christmas
[ ] I don't care
[ ] I'm A Merikan dammit
[ ] my pussy hurts
so
if you could hold it
[ ] December 6th
[ ] December 13th
[ ] December 20th
[ ] December 27th
[ ] July 6th
[ ] right before the Apocalypse
then
I will
[ ] cream my suit
[ ] not bomb your house
[ ] be A Merikan
[ ] covert to Judaism
[ ] lick your naughty parts
as
this will allow me to
[ ] visit my relatives.
[ ] have an excuse not to visit my relatives.
[ ] hold some weenie ass party.
[ ] become incarcerated.
[ ] nail by cousin.
Also,
if you could
[ ] visit my tiny office at work with 1000 Santas
[ ] come to my party so I can show off the 100 that will fit in
the door
[ ] visit my favorite tiny martini bar, which won't be prepared
for 1000 Santas
[ ] write a letter for me so I can apply to Berkley
[ ] pamper to some other weenie, unimportant-ass, insignificant,
bullshit
request that I'm not worthy of
then
[ ] that would be greeeaaaaat.
[ ] its about fucking time.
[ ] I can feel better about being A Merkican.
[ ] maybe I might actually give you some credit or help next year.
[ ] Jesus will love me.
Sincerely
yours,
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
[ ] Santa
PS.
[ ] You know I am graciously allowing you to serve me, serf.
[ ] Where is the next stop?
[ ] Why aren't we going into my favorite bar?
[ ] Why aren't we outside messing with the public?
[ ] Why aren't we doing some cool event?
[ ] Why are we still in this bar and not the next one?
[ ] Why aren't we staying at this bar longer?
[ ] Why aren't we at a food stop?
[ ] Why didn't you bring me booze/reindeer fucker/a blunt/a nubile
virgin?
[ ] Why aren't we in a strip club?
[ ] Why can't you simply route 1000 Santas to my <insert useless,
unplanned, unprepared personally motivated destination>?
On
second thought, just save everything under the PS so that you
can ask them of the herders every... five fucking minutes....
New
in town? Looking for more fun?
Go visit our friends:
The Drunken Rampage Site
Guerilla Masquerade Party
Burning Man Portland
disclaimer: The above like-minded groups are listed as a
public service. You are responsible for your own fun.
|
Portland
Cacophony Society
